Patent Application
20130239604
This patent application is not a joke patent. It's a real invention. And a real attempt to obtain a patent.
Opening from the Inventor.
HELLLLLLLPPPP! I can't stop writing humorously about this topic. But seriously folks, how do you write about a Snowman, err Snowoman, patent in anything BUT a light hearted tone???
Look. It's quite simple. Was I trying to make fun of patents? Is my goal to sue little children? Am I the devil? No. No. And a thousand time NO. Sheeeeeeeeeeeshhh.
What I am about is creating something positive for the world. AND, I am absolutely stoked about how my Snowman is putting smiles on people's faces. It is SOOOOO freakin' cool (no pun intended) how people are getting this and seeing the positiveness in my patents.
That doesn't mean I'm a peace freak either. I'm an every-day sorta guy. OK a little zannier and crazier than most. But I have the same issues that everyone else does. Every day I wake up and face the hard facts of life. I have bills, work and listen to the ever-depressing reports on the radio. It takes effort and I must remind myself each day to SMILE . . . that I am truly a lucky individual . . . and that I should focus on the positive. It takes a lot of energy. But I am getting there.
And that is exactly why I am so thrilled. My invention put a smile on people's faces. People I never even met are writing in with positive comments. The fact that my creations had reached out across the digital void and cheered up someone's day is an absolutely astounding feat that boggles my mind. It's an all time high. That I made something positive in the world confirms resoundingly that you can make a difference for the better. It all starts with each individual person. YOU!
Now, many have wrote in and reported on my original Snowman, err Snow woman, patent. Many many many of those were positive. Some were not so. I know not everyone will get it, nor do they want to. Lots of people were surprised that you can patent a toy, let alone a toy that creates a Snowman. That's ok. It's cool. And yes blowing the head off a sweet innocent Snowman with a shotgun does have a kind of humor to it. Yeah, people I saw that one, and the one about beating up an Asperas Snowman. LOL!
But, hey, everything works out for the best. Many of the disbelievers now are believers. After actually reading the patents and talking to me, these same people understand my invention and that I am a real person with a real product. So far I have positive reviews in two of my home newspapers and have made friends on the air. I now look forward to partnering with a manufacturer or toy maker and am even thinking about doing this for a living. If I can bring a smile to a child or big kid's face, I have made a difference in this world. And that's a life worth living. PEACE OUT.
I chose humor to engage readers and get them excited about reading my Snowman patents. I wanted the patent to grow virtual limbs, reach out of the dry pages of text, seize the reader by the collar, throw cold water on her face and otherwise make them pay crisp attention to what here is being said and attested to. My hope was that if I could make it fun and light to read, the patent office as well as others would be drawn in and understand the important features of my inventions.
While many people enjoyed my humorous rantings, some did not. Some of these were down right unfriendly. Many, seemed surprised that it is possible to file a patent application in anything other than a bone-dry, dull, humorousless and deathly-ill-serious tone. Others saw it as a detraction from the seriousness of the patent profession. Still others saw it as down-right lunacy. That last one, I took as a compliment.
Fortunately none of these are true. OK, I am borderline institutional. But more importantly, the vast majority of people saw it for what it is . . . a fun project that has a fun context that could only be written in a fun-hearted tone. I think also that I had taught people that patents can be fun and interesting to read. For that I am most grateful.
Scrabble, the Lego, Playdoh, and YES! now the Ultimate Snowman (err Snowoman) are ALL patented. Lego's in particular demonstrate my point best. Now here is a seemingly “simple” device that works just so darn well that it has captivated both kids and adults for more than 40 years. Somehow, these little blocks with little tubes on the bottom and tiny buttons on top clip together so well that they defy not only logic but the laws of physics itself!
Nevertheless, and although there is a strict prohibition against patents that break the laws of physics, Lego received worldwide patents and recognition on the basic Lego® brick.1 The Lego was created by G. Kirk Christiansen whose father Ole formed the Danish company Lego. The Lego is now so popular it is the most readily identifiable toy in the world. The US patent can be found at U.S. Pat. No. 3,005,282. 1 I know. They actually do obey the laws of physics. They have to. But they work like black magic.
Other famous toys that were patented include Scrabble® U.S. Pat. No. 2,752,158, that was patented because the player can see the word score underneath tiles on the board. Another is the Lincoln Log that is patented in the form of a cabin in U.S. Pat. No. 1,351,086. An all time favorite even today is Play-Doh®, no introduction necessary, which is found at U.S. Pat. No. 3,167,440. One of my favorites, Silly Putty®, was awarded to two independent inventors in U.S. Pat. Nos. 2,431,878 and 2,541,851.
Back on the Lego. Just like the Lego, I was awarded patents—not one, but two blue ribbon US patents on my Snow people inventions. And just like the Lego, my inventions are not as “simple” as they might seem. Many have tried to design around the Lego patent with lack luster success. And I contend that my Snow boulders are anything but easy to produce. Unlike the Lego, I still need to show the world how well these things work, and how easy and fun it is to use my device to make really cool, awesome Snowpeople. “Hot” Snowpeople.
STAYTUNED. More to be posted on Youtube.
If Necessity is the Mother of Invention, then Simplicity is its Father.
It is often remarked that the simplest ideas are the most ingenious. Should it be any wonder? After all, the whole discipline of engineering is aimed at simplifying a difficult task into an easy one. Legions of engineers around the globe work day and night to make things easier . . . not harder. That's why we have such things as the internal combustion engine, and not Fred Flintstone cars that are powered by our feet.
Simple ideas, however ingenious they may be, do not lend themselves easily to patenting. The paper clip, for example, has been patented over 50 times in the U.S.! How does one draft a patent claim for something as ordinary as a paper clip? And there are plenty of “simplistic” European patents as well. How do you patent those with a straight face? The German Car Giant BMW, for example, has a European patent for a self-inflating tire EP000001648721B. Now THERE's a seriously “simple” invention! LOL!
Moreover, it is not easy to demonstrate why a simple idea is so great, why it works so well or what makes it patentable. How do you patent something because it works well? How do you show that on a piece of paper? In the old days inventors demonstrated their inventions to the patent office and this sometimes would convince the patent office. However, demonstrations are not required today but sometimes are still used with success. Regarding the BMW Self-Inflating Tire *he smirks*2, I actually met an official at the European Patent Office that explained that the car company demonstrated the efficacy of a self inflating tire invention on a military vehicle. I guess the European patent office was impressed that Barney does not have to use a Mastodon to fill up the tires anymore. 2 I have often thought about demonstrating the awesomeness of my snowman inventions to the patent office. It's part of the reason why I developed this new invention, to be able to bring my snowpeople everywhere.
Now now. I am sure BMW would not say that their Self-Inflating Tire patent is simple. Nor would I categorize my invention as such. My inventions are complex, required hours of experimentation, and are based on solid scientific research out in the field . . . err Snow field. Still skeptical? Think of it this way . . . the ski and snowboard industry is a 10 billion dollar a year industry and these companies spend millions each year on snow research to better design their equipment. Avalanches are highly reliant on snow technology and both governments and mountaineering companies have compiled endless hours of research on snow data to prevent and understand snow avalanches. Despite the incredible amount of research into snow, researchers are STILL at a loss to fully understand snow and all of its aspects.3 3 Physicists are STILL at a loss to explain the mushrooming effect of snow in the high altitudes of the Andes mountains, the kind Joe Simpson and Simon Yates experienced on La Sulla Grande.
Many have wrote in and openly wondered why I have chosen to characterize my inventions gender neutral. The reason actually has less to do with political correctness, but more with how things work in the patent universe. Simply put, my invention relates to any type of Snowperson being, male or female. It also includes aliens (the Area 51 kind), humanoids such as gnomes, elves, vampires, trolls, ores, etc., animals or pets, and of course Frosty and Crystal. Using a male and female gender-neutral reference was the most convenient way to express this.
Having said that, let's back up a minute here. Snowpeople are born gender neutral. Calling them Snowmen therefore is entirely WRONG. Having said THAT, it makes me completely happy to know that people are empowered by a Snowperson that is gender sensitive. HAVING SAID THAT, I meant no reference whatsoever to anyone who does not view themselves or anyone else in those categories. Nor was I myself out to poke fun at the maddening over-use of pronouns. No really!
Point is. I am considerate of other people's feelings. That's the whole shhhabang. In the immortal words of Steve Jobs . . . NEXT!
A woman from Brooklyn wrote in the Washington Post that she read my patent and it put a smile on her face. This is what I wanted from the get-go and this is my goal today. It is without a doubt the most important thing I have done for humanity. To be able to reach out across the void and make a positive difference in someone's day is totally and completely amazing. It's an unbelievable feeling and it brought tears of joy to my eyes to make someone that you have never met in your life—even for a brief moment—HAPPY.
This Snowman experience has been altogether positive for me personally. Its made me a better person. I understand now how right my Father was when he said not to worry about what other people say, and just be the best at whatever you decide to do. Believe me you, there are plenty of naysayers. Just ignore them. Believe in yourself. And keep doing what you know in your heart to be the right thing. It's taken me a whole life to learn that simple lesson. But learning a lesson and living it are by far two very different things. This Snowman project has given me the rare opportunity to live that lesson and I am grateful.
I realize now this is my calling, and I want to make people smile for a living. Think of it another way—if I can make this work there will be one less evil patent attorney in the world! Let's call it the “Principles for Patent Attorney's Foundation”. Send your contribution TODAY!
Seriously, send me a message if you're like me. I can be reached on Facebook™ at Ultimate Snowman (Not TM).
Many have also commented on the seeming complete idiocy, or what they see as lunacy, of how much research I have accomplished in my 25 pages of my Snowpeople patent. If people think I am Looney Tunes® then I take that as a complete compliment. I try very very VERY hard.
At any rate, I shall now respond dear readers to this mis-guided view. What seems completely whacko in one context will now be magically transformed into complete sense. Iggity oggity oopp ack ack, eek eek ack, ock ock ook, flippity floppity floop, it's yours!
And here it is . . . Snow technology is in actuality a complex art that Mountain, Ski and Snow Board companies as well as certifiably “sane” governments invest millions of research into EVERY YEAR. In particular, the Ski and Snowboard industry is so hell bent on beating our the competition they go out of their way to let you know any and every technical improvement that you bought for your 600 green backs. So now you know why Skis cost so much!
Back from Pismo Beach. Some of my work was based on this Snow research. I found it remarkable that crystalline Snow carries a static charge. Which makes sense. Have you ever gotten a static shock from dry Snow? I know I have more than once. At any rate, at least one skiing company invested in a special wax that reduces static build up between skis and snow. Loony Tunes? Not if you consider that such a wax could mean the difference between a fraction of a second, the difference between Silver and Gold in an Olympic Ski Slalom event.
So while the skiing industry is trying to avoid static, I was trying to generate it. And boy did I! Awwright, look I did experimentation and discovered that a static charge can and does attract Snow to a Snow boulder. I use this phenomena in my second patent to assist adhering Snow to my Snow boulder. Now the idea of applying an electric charge to Snow have illicited a few chuckles. However, the charge does not have to be large and is within a safe zone. If not it's going to make a very humorous video on YouTube.
Now I've also read about one reader who opined that my invention could be replicated with a snow tire. Ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls, aliens and humanoids . . . snow tires are designed to REPEL Snow and slush. LOL! Tire companies (who by the way file hundreds of patent designs on tire treads each year) take great pains to create tires that DO NOT ATTRACT SNOW! Believe me. Imagine driving down the street in a Snow storm with giant Snow boulders on your tires! LOL! Think of all the lawsuits man!
There is nothing wrong with the US Patent System.
Let me repeat that so it is absolutely clear. There is nothing wrong with the US Patent System.
The thousands of fine women and men at the US Patent Office are highly skilled, highly trained professionals who work hard to live up to the US Patent Systems altruistic goals, that is to promote Science and the promulgation of Technology. They are spear headed by a qualified and savvy management, which includes David Kapos, former VP of Intellectual Property at IBM.
Mr. Kapos is a man who “gets it”4, and is doing his utmost to improve the patent office and improve the American economy. 4 Although the term “getting it” was popularized during the 90 Dot Com bonanza, I credit Werner Erhardt as the first guy who “Got It”. What I realize now is that I Got It then, although I said I Got It at the time but really didn't believe it, I did Get It. I Got It.
Let's be clear on this. The US patent office is one of, if not the only, government agency that actually creates money. Thousands of companies across the globe clamor each year to get their inventions on file . . . WHERE? You got it, the good ol' U S of A. The US Patent Office makes so much money in patent fees that the US Congress uses part of those monies to fund national projects.
Here comes the pitch. It's a screaming line drive by the Gas House Gorillas . . . Instead of epitomizing the US Patent System and demonifying Patent Attorneys and Inventors, the US Public at large should be kissing their toes and hoping to the High Allmighty that technological progress and its promotion through the patent system increases. To the credit of the US Congress, they GET that.
So what's wrong with the US Patent System? Read my lips Georgie.
Trolls are People Too.5 5 These are not the same “Trolls” that Charlie Sheen demonized in his recent and most entertaining public tirade, turned part Broadway Show part Internet Revolution. On that note, I really enjoyed that whole episode and am sorry that Charlie did not keep going with it. He had something, or rather he still has it. It was just too large for most people to get. For me, Charlie was breaking away from mainstream media. He could have kept going with it, or still is going with it I don't know. But in my view he was onto something big, a direct connect between Hollywood Actors and the public through the Internet, and be dammed with the producers and directors. Brilliant.
Whackadoo Whackadoo Whackadoo. I loved Bob McAllister as a kid. Now I am showing my age. LOL!
On a sobering note, I am not condoning Troll activity—but then again I am not so sure that corporations are THAT much better. In fact, everyone down the line are clamoring to get a bite at the troll scene. Yes, even the Euros are in on the game. It's a booming field and ALL sides are profiting.
Small towns, once bankrupted by corporations who've shipped off for cheaper shores, have turned themselves into bustling Oases of economic prosperity. All made possible by the legions of attorneys and their teams that descend upon Smallville, USA, like a squadron of pro wrestlers at the WWM Smackdown. The Goal? Both file patent lawsuits and defend them. My mother's family comes from a small town. So I understand these people and have seen firsthand the devastating effects of companies literally come and Gone Like The Wind.
What I am trying to get at is this . . . Maybe, just maybe, we share in this responsibility. We can all be accused of not thinking of the larger picture. That is, the betterment of the American economy as a whole. THIS is what is at stake here. True, the trolls to some are folk heroes that take from the rich companies and give to the poor inventor . . . and naturally to themselves. And they do create a mini economy of sorts.
But what must also be said is that companies more and more are weighing the costs of doing business in the USA, and that includes the heavy costs of patent litigation. My point is . . . perhaps we are casting stones here, when in fact we should all be thinking about how to improve things for the better.
What have I-I-I-I-I done you say??? For my part I have done what I can. During the financial crisis of 2008 a couple years back myself and another American set up shop in Florida and hired 3 local Floridians. One of these employees was a single mother struggling to keep her house. We were not able to afford to pay a lot, but we gave them something to help through the tough times. And maybe we gave them some additional experience that might help them find a better job. Although small, it's something I take GREAT pride in.
Given the chance again, I would open up shop in the States and do everything I can to create jobs in America. If I could do this with my Snowman inventions, I would be thrilled.
I encourage everyone out there to think how to make things better. Remember the words of the legendary JFK.
On Software and Business Method Patents. Volume I.
To many Software people all patents are invalid. To others, patents are synonymous with the evil M-pire. I suppose it's a very romantic ideal that all information desires to be free. Heck, who doesn't like watching freebie movies on the Net.
Being a computer engineer myself, I understand the software crowd. I really do. After all, software nowadays is composed of chunks of code that someone else wrote years ago and stored in dusty old databases appropriately named “libraries”. These chunks of code are in turn composed of even more mundane functions. Functions are simply comprised of commands, and those in turn are just a bunch of 1's and 0's. How can a collection of 1's and 0's be patentable?
Sure! In the Matrix World (great trilogy by the way), everything is a construct of something that came before. As Neo found out, we are on the 6th iteration of the Matrix. The evil patent agents, of course, are all named Smith. And, a silky smooth brunette with punk rock hairdo and Oakley sunglasses will stun us with patent leather appeal as she high kicks some serious evil patent agent ass. Taken to its absolute conclusion, however erotic, these metaphors quickly break down where they meet the “real” reality. Matrix Un-plugged.
Let's push the envelope just a tweak. Back to 1's and 0's. In the 70's we learned from David Bowie that we were all made from Ziggy Stardust. In the 80's we learned from Carl Sagan that we actually ARE made of stardust, “billions and billions of 'em”. Then in the 90's Stephen Hawking and the Quantum Qrowd comes along and tells us that stardust is actually made up of even tinier elementary particles called quarks and leptons. Marc from Quark. But, Einstein knew all this already decades before *sticks his tongue out* that we are all just made up of bits of energy. When it comes right down to it, we are all just bits of information . . . 1's and 0's.
While I find this train of logic “Fascinating” to now quote Leonard Nimoy, most people would agree that we are more than a collection of data points. Can quarks define laughter, creativity or compassion? Love, heroism, or humanity? Perhaps Stephen Hawking had proposed so in his book “Black Holes and Baby Universes”, but that would mean that we are all just a bunch of complex automatons that have naively convinced themselves of their existence and meaning in the universe. BULLOCKS, STEVIE BOY!6 6 Actually, I am a fan of Stephen Hawking However, I respectfully disagree with the conclusion that his works posit. My feeling is that we are automatons . . . with the choice to be more. But not automatons in the cosmic big bang sense, but in the evolutionary sense. And we must resist our primal instincts. War, greed, jealousy. Perhaps Mr. Hawking would argue this is the same thing. Perhaps the missing ingredient which physicists lack to explain the big bang completely, the critical factor that made the universe possible is CHOICE. Perhaps one day we will show mathematically that the one difference in the universe that made all physical constants possible, Pi, Avogadros number, Planck's constant, and perhaps even the Universal Equation equates to choice. For me, it's this choice that makes all things possible. Choice is what will stand between us and self annihilation. Choice is what stands between you and self fulfillment. It's your choice to make this a better place. Choose choice.
What I'm driving at here is that humanity is much more than its sum of parts. So too are inventions. A rocket is much more than just a propulsion system, a fuselage and a control mechanism. Or how would you characterize the Apollo 11 mission to the moon, perhaps the most important event in human history? Are planes then just an engine with wings and a cockpit? Or is it something that has dramatically changed our world by connecting people and economies all around the globe. The BJT transistor is nothing more than some bits of doped semiconductor material, is it not?7 Or is it something that replaced the vacuum tube and changed the way we speak, communicate and do business forever. 7 Schockley et al. of AT&T invented the BJT. However, it must be added that J. Edgar Lilienfeld, a Polish American, was credited in Schockley's own patent as having invented the transistor, the MOS transistor, some 20 years BEFORE. No doubt the Bi-Polar Junction Transistor (BJT) revolutionized the world of power electronics by replacing the vacuum tube with these miraculous microscopic devices. But Lilienfeld's MOS transistor is used more by far today as it is the basis for all computer memory cells and computer logic.
All of these so-called bits of information, 1's and 0's, have been patented many thousands of times over. Even the gum that you may have right now in your mouth. So chew on that.
On Software and Business Method Patents. Volume II.
The late and great Judge Rich of the Federal Circuit who could be credited with ushering in the age of the software patent had the right line of thinking. How is a process on a computer any different than any other patented process? After all, the computer is simply a series of switches that carry out the process. So if a process is patentable in any other context, why should that same process lose patentability simply because it is on a computer. The plain answer is, of course, it does not.
On business methods I do tend to agree. A patent should not be obtained simply on a mental concept or series of mental steps. If it were, then we would come to the absurd proposition that your brain could be sued for having certain thoughts. However, that was clearly ALWAYS the law, and the founders of the constitution certainly never intended for patent holders to be able to sue someone for their thoughts. Nice try, trolls.
The damnable thing about software and business methods, however, is that there is an overwhelming amount of prior art out there. Software code is generated spontaneously and secreted away in local computer storage inaccessible to the public or the patent office. Business methods, which are far older, have been around since the dawn of human kind. Using wampum shells for currency was invented way before the Fed EVER decided to unlink the dollar from all that gold in Fort Knox.8 8 Being part native myself I have to laugh that westerners thought native people to be “primitive” for using wampum. Laughably, when the Federal Reserve decided to unhinge the US dollar from gold, they in effect converted money into nothing more than wampum. These so-called primitive peoples were actually ahead in time. They also favored tatoos. Call it DEVO if you like. Chances are you have one.
So if it's not the system that is the problem, what is it? It is unearthing the ubiquitous software and business prior art that is virtually everywhere that is really the whole root of the problem. And THIS is what really got a lot of people steamed up about the Amazon One-Click patent. In other words, most people's qualms about the patent office, including the Software community, stems from a lack of prior art . . . and not the substantive novelty and non-obviousness tests required by law. So if it's a database thing, that's an easy fix. We just need to expand the database. My fellow pony-tailed sisters and brothers dig.
And that is EXACTLY what the patent office has been doing in the last half decade. And, the US Patent Office has made excellent progress in this area and now looks at many sources of information in order to improve the examination of these types of patents. In fact, one of my own patents was scrutinized in light of a Japanese patent. Although these improvements has not satisfied everyone, it is the best that any patent system can achieve given the unending reams of data in the virtual and business universe.
Still not convinced? Look at it this way. We live in a paper world. Stocks, bonds, treasury notes . . . all MONEY is nothing more than paper. Paper that we all give value to. The US Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, every Bill presented to Congress and signed into law by the President is on PAPER. The deed on your house, your lease agreement, EVERY employment contract you ever signed . . . In other words, all paper instruments that you ever gave importance to and hold as valid. Are ALL paper.
Still think patents are Matrix machinations? Then you might as well take a 20 out of your pocket, hold it up on high, and loudly proclaim your liberty over the machines while simultaneously tearing your Jefferson cleanly in half. Hit <REPEAT> until you feel liberated. LOL.
One commentating law firm blogged that I “failed” to secure a European Patent. That is hardly the case. I did file an application. The simple fact of the matter is I ran out of money.
Here's what happened. I filed an International Patent Application called a PCT and designated Europe.9 But the process was so blisteringly expensive I had to bail. After spending $4K on the original application, the European patent office wanted ANOTHER $4K to proceed in the euro region. People . . . I am not made of money. 9 There is a very humorous exchange between me and the PCT search authority.
However, it does illustrate a fundamental difference between our systems. The US was built on and celebrates independent inventors. Benjamin Franklin, who was the first patent commissioner, Thomas Edison, Mr. J. Edgar Lilienfeld (a Polish American credited in ATT's own patent as the original inventor of the MOS transistor) are just some of the American greats. More recently, Bob Metcalfe, Steve Jobs, Shawn Fanning of Napster frame, and still countless others who deserve mentioning, all have one thing in common. They all started out as independent inventors.
In its infinite wisdom, the US Congress and Patent Office provides—thank God—a half-off reduction in fees for small time inventors. And rightfully so. America thrives on entrepreneurship. And a mainstay of our economy was built on those wonderful little contraptions. My heartfelt THANKS goes out to Congresspeople, the Independent Inventors and the Patent Office Personnel who had the wisdom to drive the small entity initiative.
Europe on the other hand takes a much more industry-centric approach. That system and especially its astronomical fees attest to this. You have to be either a corporation or independently wealthy to afford to go the European patent route. Of course, one could cheapen the cost by seeking a patent application in national countries, but then you would have to pay hefty translation fees. For my Snowman patent this meant paying out Frosty's nose for translations into at least Finnish, French, German, Norwegian, and Swedish, probably to the tune of $8K! In Sopranos terms, that's 8 boxes of ziti.10 Worldwide protection with attorney's fees runs in the range of 80 boxes of ziti ($80 K). 10 The Sopranos, Happy Wanderer Episode, Season 2
I deal in snow that falls from the skies, not the other kind
While we are on the Euro front, I would like to address the reaction from that end of the stratosphere regarding my Snowman patent. I am quite a fan of the UK and travel to those parts often. While I am fully aware of the shoot-first style of many tabloids, I was a little surprised to find that a newspaper simply failed to READ. If they had, they would have instantly seen that there is a real invention. At any rate, our country's have always got on famously and I look forward again to visiting the fine people and varied cultures there.
Perhaps those tabloids had less to do with patent literacy and more to do with sensationalism. It's popular at the moment to jump on a story that slings mud at any Americano. It sells. And patents are especially a hot button these days. Disturbingly, however, some of these articles and blogs have blurred together inventorship and patent troll activity, as if they were one Evil Empire.11 11 Rage Against The Machine
Let's be clear about this—I AM AN INVENTOR. The difference is I had invented something and was awarded patents for my inventions. I created something and, as the creator, have the right both legally and morally to protect my inventions. Now, that does not mean I am going to sue little children for simply making a snowman as some commentators have sternly warned. But I have every right both legally and morally to go after a producer or retailer that makes devices according to my patents in the US. Read the patent. Lesen. Lirez. Legga.
The English tabloids implied that I am simply a “nutter” for obtaining a patent on the subject of Snowpeople. To this, I point out that there is no shortage of celebrated “Mad Scientists” in England. This is what About.com has to say about Arthur Paul Pedrick . . . “Prolific British inventor, Arthur Paul Pedrick patented his first invention in 1962 and patented a total of 161 inventions . . . and all of them could be considered wacky patents including a device that was intended to fling giant snowballs from Antarctica to the world's deserts for irrigation purposes.” See
And I say, yeah why not. Technically, Mr. Pedricks' particular solution is probably too costly to be feasible, but the overall concept to provide water to nations dying of thirst is far from whacky. On the contrary, we do NOT need less but MORE ideas on how to solve world thirst. Whacky? Years later the VERY SAME concept was seriously considered in a Popular Mechanics article that reported using barges to tug flotillas of ice from arctic regions to places that need water. Hats off to you Mr. Pedrick.13 13 Mr. Pedrick was truly amazing. His Snowball slingshot Patent goes into such detail about slingshoting snow balls from the Antarctic to dessert areas that I am awed. Here is FIG. 1 of Pedrick's Patent GB1,047,735 illustrating a map of the world with targets for his snowballs for irrigating thirsty nations. It all reminds me a bit like that lesson from Le Petit Prince. No one believed the Turkish Astronomer because he did not “look” the part. Only when he changed his image to be more “acceptable” was he taken seriously. LOL!Again, the difference is that I am actually building my inventions. My creations, like the Lego, are real.
Germany has its fair share of so-called whacky patents as well. I already pointed to the BMW® self-inflating tire. Even the examiner I spoke with at a luncheon chuckled with embarrassment that the EPO eventually granted that patent. But of course it's completely serious because a large well-known company applied for the patent. It's “legit”. Of course, Pedrick and I are “whackos” because we want to do a little something like—save the planet.
Wanna talk simple? The German Railway authority, the Deutsche Bahn, is owner of a patent for a remote controlled bicycle lock (European Patent 0842500B1). DB has been enormously successful with renting bicycles using their patented bicycle lock. The user obtains an opening code after paying by credit card with a cell phone, enters the code, and the bike unlocks. How amazing! So WHAT'S the multi-million dollar secret in the patent? Well, the key patented feature is that it issues you a “receipt” code when you're done renting the bike. Well that's surely inventive . . . issuing a receipt.14 14 Many EU lawyers I have spoken to are of the opinion that this patent is actually a Business Method, and is a good example of how these patents can be obtained in Europe as well.
What about the PEZ® dispenser? You mean Germany granted a patent on that too??? Now I do NOT dispute the coolness of this little gadget15. I loved PEZ as a kid. But you gonna tell me with a straight face that a pop top head that pukes candy is to be taken more serious than a device for building a Snowman? PAA-LLEEAASSEE. 15 I know I know, it's an Austrian Invention. By the way, Arnie, I loved your movies as a kid. But when I saw that bronze statue of you in front of the stadium in Graz, it reminded me of that scene with Rocky Balboa on the steps of the Philadelphia Library. I just had to crack a smile. Anyway, thanks for all the great I-liners! Arnie Arnie Arnie!
Talking of toys, Germany is considered to be the toy capital of the world. And they have the patents to prove it. Sorting through the thousands of German train and car toys, however, was more than just a little DULL. That is UNTIL my search engine zeroed in on German Sex Toys. LOL! Check out this male robotic lover with cylindrical metal pecker that was granted a German utility model patent to Mr. Peter Golombek (DE202008015645U1)16. The main figure illustrating the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz sporting a tin woody beats my snowman patent hands (AND PANTS) down! Perhaps I should have planted a snowpecker on my snowman so that people would not judge my invention as being “offbeat”. LMFAOROF!!!16 See
People, the Europeans have plenty of “whacky” patents too. But, to be sure we bring it on ourselves. In 2008, the US Patent. Office ran a fake TV Ad on a Kid Inventor who invented a bicycle tire with suction cups. While the Ad is meant to inspire kids to invent, it's also giving the critics more ammo to sling at our patent system. Sadly, the joke is on the patent office. There is an ACTUAL patent granted in 1987 to Mr. Reuben Klamer that claims little more than suction cups embedded in a tire tread, U.S. Pat. No. 4,699,432.
The point is this. All of these patents can be criticized for being “whacky”. But truth be told there are legitimate reasons why a recognized sovereign granted them as patents. In that sense, anyone who is granted a patent is no madder than the government that awarded it. On the contrary, free thinkers and innovators like Mr. Pedrick are luminaries and visionaries. Mr. Pedrick and I should not be gawked at and ridiculed, but rather congratulated for trying to change things for the better. If that makes us “geeks”, I wear that moniker like a badge of honor. Badgees?17 17 Good Bad & The Ugly, one of the all time greatest films. PERIOD.
To sum up, I have no idea what reasons Mr. Pedrick had for filing so many patent applications. Some say he wanted to test the UK patent system. I surmise rather he just liked to dream up inventions and write patents. I have no idea, actually. But, I do know my reasons for pursuing my patents. And it is that I have a real invention that is both technically realizable and economically feasible. I have performed dozens of hours of ACTUAL testing and prototyping in the field . . . err snowfield.18 As far as I know Mr. Pedrick never tested his giant snowball catapult. By contrast, I am bringing my inventions to the world. AND hopefully my creations will bring a lot of smiles to people's faces. 18 Actually, it is a myth that an invention that is the subject of a patent need be actually created and tested. It was the practice in Franklin's days, but since then people realized that the workability of an invention can be described on paper adequately for the US PTO to ascertain that it works. This surprises most people. Or did they think that the tens of thousands of patents that are filed yearly by companies across the planet are being prototyped and tested.
Here is the real deal. I have heard a lot about the “shortcomings” of the US patent system. And sadly, too many US attorneys sheepishly agree with their European peers. WRONG WRONG WRONG. The US is WAY ahead of Europe on reform. In the last decade, we changed our system to please everyone else not once . . . but three times! By contrast, the European Commission still cannot get its act together after ten years to agree on a unity patent. It is true that the European Patent Convention was updated in 2000, but it took a full eight years before the new convention was finally put in place in 2007! Behind the European system? Bullocks.
It is true that the European patent office is more on the ball with the timely providing and the quality of searches. However, they have an unfair personnel advantage. The employees of the European patent office pay no income tax! Wha? That's right. That's because the European Union is NOT a government, it is in fact a quasi governmental body that takes life out of multi-national treaty. It's www.epo.org people—as in ORGANIZATION. So it's like working for your very own little Switzerland, but with no taxes to pay for governmental functions. But since no one pays taxes, the EPO can afford to pay their employees less overall thereby attracting and retaining skilled examiners.
That said, the US patent reform that passed and was signed into law last September should do much to settle this score. We are creating more jobs for patent examiners and disseminating jobs to satellite offices throughout the US. This will absorb many highly skilled engineers that have been laid off in the private sector. The new act should also let the US Patent Office have more control over the money it makes in fees in order to re-invest that money into quality patents. And, the new act provides for several layers of patent review by the public, so that the overall quality of patents that issue should increase.
One blessing that the US system definitely has over Europe is that the US has cheaper filing fees. Albeit, low fees translates directly into lower salaries at the patent office, which in turn translates into lower quality. Nonetheless, the US has a long standing tradition of encouraging innovation by keeping its fees low. On the other hand, European patents are woefully expensive and retards the private filing of inventions. As mentioned above, I personally paid out of Frosty's nose for the privilege of having to give up my case because I had to pay even MORE fees.
In short, I have a personnel message for the US Congress and the US people. Stop trying to placate the naysayers. They will never be happy. The patent system is F-I-N-E, FINE. We don't need to be making apologies to anyone about our patents. If people can't “get” new ideas like this one, that's their problem. The US is based on great principles and is a great country. Yeah, it's not perfect. But who is. I am talking here especially to the grass roots people. Keep doin' your own thang. Europe is nice for its coffee and lifestyle, but we are better off being who we are and not copying anyone else . . . ESPECIALLY on the patent system.
The wonderful thing about Snowmen is that, just like the snowflake in its grand crystalline perfection, the snowman universe expands geometrically without limit like their tiny crystals that form them. Ever taking on new direction. Expanding infinitely in any and all directions. Snowmen are only bounded by your imagination.
They are like blank sheets of paper. Snow statues. Like Michelangelo's David, just waiting to be released from the crypt of white death that embalms them. The Snowfigure can be any shape any form or any being. Female Male Unisex Eunuch Alien Animal Wadeva. They may have artistic or philosophical meaning Son of Snowman. They may be humanists. Snowmancipation Snowmanity Snowmandella. They may be from all parts of the world. Snowmanchuria19 Snowmanitoba Snowmanhattan Snowmanchester Isle of Snowman Snowmanila Turk Snowmenistan, and of course Snowmantarctica. Or be of any religion. Snowmantra Snowmanuelle Snowmenninite.20 19 Whom of course speak Snowmandarin!20 Frosty and I like the bands RockMetal: Snowmanowar 80's: Snowmenatwork and at Christmas we listen to the Snowmannheim Steammollers.
They are immortal, ever reappearing year after year. Like white ghosts of a frosty forgotten graveyard. Ever reincarnating themselves like mystical snow Buddhas returning evermore to bring joy and light to a cold and treacherous world. They are ever extending into the future like pure rays of light. Darting out at supra light speed from an exploding star. Pure perfections of the universe, snowmen exist all throughout the deepest reaches of space. The first space pioneers, they reached Mars long before we ever will. Think me mad? Consider this, somewhere in the vast expanse of space there is snow in the shape of a Snowman. Perhaps even on Uranus! LOL!
Do not be dazzled by the snowman's simplicity. This is its virtue. It is the ultimate in the minimalists ideal. Whose every stroke of the brush is an errant highway on the way to the state of disappointment. Striving ever to be pure. And yet malleable in every way. They are the perfect canvas for the artist. The ultimate expression of philosophy, politics, alien conquest. You name it. All that is required is an imagination, some toasty gloves, and gallons of hot chocolate. Oh and of course snow. But that is all a thing of the past with my inventions and this latest one in particular.
Snowpeople are the ultimate in purity and perfection. It's vast expanse of universe can either be a utopia of peace or a tundra of turmoil. The possibilities are endless. Geometric expansions of snow crstals that go on and on forever. It is quite possible that I will go mad documenting the infinite snowman universe. Some would say I am mad already. In one sense I hope I go crazy. At least then I will know that my Snowman project was a success.
The choice is yours. BE the Snowman.
Well, incredibly, my snowman patents made papers around the world. We are talking print here, not just the digital kind I've seen reports from China, Scottland, Australia, Japan, and of course the Land of the Free. The Snowman shot heard around the world.
So after my patent went viral, I realized I have to get my butt in gear. Get a working model ready for demo-ing. Get the word out. In short it's definitely got me re-motivated. I also finally know what type of tattoo I want. How RAD will I look sporting an evil snowman on my forearm. I have to Google that to see if someone has that already . . . *30 seconds later* OK, of course it's out there. You people are sick. But my favorite is the one with Bumbles from RRR. Technically it's not a snowman, but it's me.21 21 Design my Snowman Tattoo Competition. So now that I finally have a theme for my first tattoo, I still need a design. This is where you come in. Send me your design and I will pick the best one. The winner gets to see me with their ink on my skin, will get recognized on my web site, and may win a custom built snow boulder. See my website for official details and entry times at www.ultimatesnowman.com. This is strictly for fun and is not an offer and no liability hereby attaches if winner is not satisfied or has some other loony ideas of what I should give them and when.
So at the moment I am working feverishly. I have sniffed at least a gallon of crazy glue in the last 3 weeks building snow boulders. I built my boulders and tested them as proof of concept. I took a video and posted it. My mother was cameraman so don't boo me off YouTube. As of late, I have been testing, improving and creating new designs. You can bet your sweet bass what I am doing with those. And I am busy trying to find where I can buy materials to make giant snowpeople clothes.
I will not reveal all now. Gotta save some juice for later. But it should be clear with this invention that I can bring my snowpeople anywhere. The possibilities are endless. The ideas keep streaming in like a Euphrates River of consciousness. I shall not fail. The snowmen are coming, the snowmen are coming. Have I gone mad? Have I stayed up too many nights working this? Huffed too much glue?22 Will I go schizophrenic like Ed Norton in FightClub? Will I go schizophrenic like Ed Norton in FightClub? Am I already schizophrenic? Am I already schizophrenic? Echo. Echo. 22 “I picked a bad week to quit sniffing glue.” The unforgettable Peter Graves, Airplane. Co-starred with the unforgettable Leslie Nielson.
OK back to business! Here are some key dates I want everybody to keep an eye open for.
December 1st—this is when we kick off this whole shabang!
December 6th—Saint Nickolaus day! Getting my giant santa suit ready.
December whatever—Holiday. For my Pastafarian friends.
December 20—First day of Chanukah
December 25—Christmas
January 1—New Years (Roman Calendar)
January 18—World Snowpeople unification day (coincides with international Snowman day)
February 23—Chinese New Year
OK This is it. I will succeed. I have a multi-pronged approach that will act as retro-rockets to boosting my snowpeople into orbit, who will then descend upon mother earth like UFOs on Area 51. Million Snowman March. I have a whole media plan that will rock snowman . . . err snow woman making to its core. Hey I can't help it if no-one rolled with this one before. It's fun. Everyone loves building snowpeople . . . ok or destroying them . . . and it's a great idea. This is it! SNOWBALLS LOS!
HAVE FUN OUT THERE!
What this Patent is about.
In my opening message, I stated that these here patents are about bringing something positive to the world. That holds true for this application as well. In particular, I offer here a System Method and Apparatus for bringing and building Snowpeople to all corners of the earth. Goal? Put a smile on everyone's face, brighten up someone's day just a little, spread a little Looooove. Ya know, simple stuff like saving the world. If people can get that, then there's still hope for us.
The title says it all. I liked artists like Elvis Costello as a kid, especially his early stuff. And like him I ask, What's So Funny About Peace Love And Understandin'? (WSFAPLAU). What's so funny about a snowman or snow woman? What's funny about saving the world? Should we not try because it's too big a task? I found something here that has brightened the world, albeit just a tiny tiny tiny bit. Is that something to smirk at? The little thinkers cannot fathom anything else. But I tell you, one of the greatest feelings I ever had was to bring a little laughter to someone's world. Even if it was just for a fleeting moment. It's like dope. I want more. I want to make this my life.
With all that in mind, I also wanted to express here and clarify my own sentiments regarding the patentability of my inventions. While I mentioned above that I choose to ignore the naysayers, the public deserves an answer to many of the questions posed that not only test the verity of my patent, but in fact the patent system as a whole. I chose a patent application as the medium for my communication because it is what I do best. It also occurred to me that no one has chosen this particular media format to interactively dialogue with the public, and I count myself one of, if not the first, to take patents to this level. And why not? After all patents ARE intended to communicate to the public, WHY they are patentable, and to ANSWER questions testing their validity.
Back on the higher level. A number of people in the public have chuckled that they do not have to worry about my patents because it almost never snows where they are. A radio show in Texas had a good time with that one. My California colleagues also had a chuckle as well. Although I do note that California has a number of Ski resorts. Snowwwwtime!23 But if people are right, hey they are right. So instead of trying to argue with these people, I chose to roll with it (no pun intended). Provide them with a snowman. Give 'em the goods. Make em fear my snowman patents. LOL!23 Heavy Metal—Great Movie, Space Scene
This patent application is about providing a way in which people can make snowpeople anywhere. Such as, hint hint, the studio set of David Letterman.
This patent application is about liberating Snowpeople everywhere.
It's about spreading world peace through Snowpeople.
It's about saving the world.
And then the flash of genius strikes me . . . again!
And I thought, what if?
What if a Snowman IS built in Texas?
What if I can make people laugh with my patents?
What if a Judge reads this and laughs?
What if YOU read this and you laugh?
What if we all just laughed?
What if I could bring a little sunshine to the world?
What if???
Today is that day!
Closing from the Author and Inventor.
In closing I would to thank all of your support. Many many many legions of people GET this. Just a very tiny tiny fragment of people are too dim-witted to understand happiness when they see it waving to them from a snow field while they sit in a dreadful office building. Thank YOU dear reader who gets this and for all of your support and plain old good vibes.
With that I would like to first thank my Mother and my late Father. My Sister for being as crazy as I am, probably more. My niece for thinking that I am cool. And all of my relatives, especially those who wrote in on my Snowman patents, including Josie, Michael, and Kathy. Not least of all my best buddies, “Our Gang”, in order of appearance in my life, Kevvvy, JR, Jimbo, Ad, Steve, that Sam guy and of course the guy simply known as “Brainen”. Thanks go out to many of my colleagues and friends who contacted me with their support, including Malcolm, Heather, Eveline, Verena, Martin, Martina, Dietmar, Bruno, Kerie, Bob, Scott, Robert, Bastian, Verena, and Elizabeth. I would also like to personally thank all of the journalists who thought this was a great idea, most notably Jennifer of Geek.com who broke the story of my Snowpeople patent. Selim and Vic from my hometown newspaper, the NY Post (for which I am thrilled to death that I have my very own NY Post witicism—Frosty-Matic), who had nothing but rave reviews for this “LI Guy”. Ann from Newsday, my other hometown newspaper (which I used to deliver as a paper boy) and also had great things to say. And not leastly, that radio guy in Wisconsin, Ben O, who made fun of me but realized I was a real guy on the air! Thanks Ben! More recently, I would like to thank the Sueddeutsche Zeitung and Thomas of the Abendzeitung, and also Sara and Kristen of Wired Magazine.
Before my final closing, I would like to say that this whole experience has been entirely positive. For me it has been a realization that I can be a motivated person and positive person.24 It's also been a very liberating feeling that I have been able to do something that is completely my thang. And the recognition as an inventor is very rewarding. More so, going viral proved to me that I AM part of the internet think-different generation. That we CAN dream up new awesome things and create solutions to solve impossible odds . . . whether it means doing something everyday like building an ultimate snowman, or something planetary like changing the world for the better. I believe that we will find a creative solution to today's problems and once again prove to the world why we are great. 24 See me
Now for my last bit. I want to send a personal message to kids and big kids out there who have dreams and ideas. You CAN go out there and do things and be successful. You CAN be creative and live your dreams. And you CAN do all that and also have fun doing it! And you DON'T have to have to be perfect at grammar either! Hold on tight to your dreams.25 25 ELO—Love 'em.
PEACE OUT!
a and 2b illustrate different forms the extended portions may include;
a to 3c illustrate the Snowmattress in operation as it gobbles up and captures snow;
Elvis Costello et al.—On the concept of saving the world and bringing peace love and understanding I cite Elvis Costello et al.
Bugs Bunny®, aka, Fritz Freling—On the concept of providing a unrolling carpet with a funny charicature that pops out I cite Bugs.
It's Showtime . . . or Snowtime?
Where shall I begin? Well a wise man once said that it's best to begin at the beginning. So here it goes . . .
A long time ago, quite a few years ago already, I had an idea. A crazy, mixed up, insane and completely mad idea. But, in my defense, it was an ORIGINAL idea. Most importantly it was my idea. And that idea was simply to build the Ultimate Snowman. At that time, I was more interested in having fun, giving other people fun, and making it easier for me to build my Snowpeople. For my sincere dedication to the joy of this fun and yet surprisingly undeveloped art, I was granted not one but two blue ribbon US Patents. And, to my surprise and wonderment, my Patents were noticed in the press and publicized around the world. In today's speak, my Patents went viral. For that I am all VERY appreciative.
Since then, however, I have given up my original goals. I see now they were too small. Too innocent. Not at all diabolical enough. Instead, I am now entirely focused and it is my intent on bringing a smile to every last soul on the planet. In short, I plan to save the world. You could say my plans have deviated somewhat. More than a tad. Just a trifle. Or as the English would say, a wee bit. NOW, dear world, you can say I am completely mad.26 26 In my view, there is a difference between mad and insane. I am simply mad. Insanity is what leads to the booby hatch.
Now just HOW did I come to my new invention? Whelp. I will tell all. Many many people wrote in and said my invention made them smile. Some, however, were not so positive. They chortled. They snickered. THEY LAUGHED. They said that they do not have to worry because they have little snow where they live. That's where they made their mistake. That was a challenge. The snow gloves are off. I will prove them WRONG.
I can see it so clearly. They sit snug in their cozy tropical retreats dreaming in Winter not of sugar plums but of less warming accoutrements. A cool Sangria, a frosty Margarita, a Jello® shot and Vodka chaser. Heretics ALL! And then I thought. I will show them. They will fear the snowman. They will eat their words . . . and my snow-balls. Or perhaps, they can use them to cool their jets . . . and their cocktails. LOL!
So then it occurs to me. I need a device that not only captures snow but also releases it, on command. Like Fido when he fetches and returns thrown snowballs. Good boy! I need a device that can transport the snow anywhere. I need a device that brings my snow creations to everyone and everywhere on the planet . . . yes even to a desert. Above all I need a device that puts smiles on people's faces. I need a device to bring peace love and understanding to all. And, thus, that is how came up with the notion to invent and file my new Worldwide Patent Application appropriately entitled PROMOTION OF PEACE, LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING THROUGH THE GLOBAL PROLIFERATION OF SNOWPEOPLE, or HOW TO BUILD A SNOW PERSON 365 DAYS A YEAR IN A BLISTERING DESERT, SYSTEM METHOD AND APPARATUS.
Now don't get me wrong. I didn't invent saving the world. Many many many came before. And even before Mr. Costello, whom I cite as prior art. Many of these were great philosophers and prophets who I do not portend to be. However, their teachings have a central theme. We all need to try to make this a better world. No magic solution is going to come about without our trying. This is clear whether you are a man of faith or man of science.27 And my little tiny invention, while perhaps modest in comparison of the great deeds in the world, is one way which I can help make things a little better. My inventions are all about bringing laughter to people, encouraging play and motivating ideas. 27 LOST® was one of the greatest underrated TV shows of all time.
My latest invention provides a mobile snowfield to provide snow anywhere, anytime and on demand. Instant Snow Karma (ISK).28 It may also be integrated with my Ultimate Snowman. In that regard, the Instant Snowfield is unfurled like a Carpet of Snow and the Ultimate Snowman pops out like a Bugs Bunny Jack-In-The-Box.29 Let it now be here said and appreciated that my inventions apply worldwide. They apply all over the planet. Even in Texas, California, or anywhere where there is a blistering desert. I will make you smile. I will make you smile. I will make you smile. Whether you like it or not. 28 God I wish John Lennon was still around. I wonder what he would say about the world today. He was awesome. Still is.29 Fritz Freling is my hero. I grew up watching mindless hours of this stuff on the tube. Looney Tunes, Hannah Barbara, just to name a few. That and Star Trek were my dietary regime. You see now the result. Years later I realized like most that Bugs was not for kids. The political and satirical themes were too brilliant for a toddler. Having said that, it did offer those concepts to me and I learned from them.
So now you know.
Having defined the main challenge, I then went about the task of inventing up an invention to meet that challenge. In so doing I came across a number of hurdles that I have also addressed herein. Some of these are, first of all, temperature and weight of the snow. Importantly, heat and gravity have a lot to say about how and where I can transport the snow. Snow typically freezes at 32 F or below—for you smart arses out there, water for example does not freeze when it is moving—and anyone living in cold climates and owning a driveway will attest to the back breaking weight of just a snow pile just a few feet high. Now imagine trying to lift a small field having enough snow to make a snowman or two. Yeah right you say.
Nothing is impossible. And as proof of that theorem I have a world famous and successful sneaker manufacturer who says so. So there.30 30 I just love that ad by the way. Does anyone else get the apparent play on words??? Genius.
I have a few things going for me, however. First is, my Snow creation inventions do not need as much snow for similarly sized snowpeople. “Marshmellow Men” as I call 'em are too bulky and need lots of snow. My Boyz are vanilla on the outside but are unique on the inside. They do not require so many snow calories. So in one aspect, this present invention is combinable with my Ultimate Snowman. Next is, I am a clever dude and have invented a few ways to make this Mission-Impossible® possible. More on this later.
Not so apparent, however, is the problem of transport. Size matters. Here's the proof. Try toting around a 50×50 foot field of snow. It's not just a weight thing. Where ya gonna grab to carry that? Ya gonna carry it on your back like that Atlas dude on 5th Avenue? And what about compressing the snow? You stuff this white stuff into a barrel and its own weight will compact it into a giant cocktail ice cube.
I already mentioned coldness. Here is another problem along those frigid lines. It's a scientific fact that snowflakes age over time. The crystals tend to wither and take on wrinkles. This has an effect on the dumpiness or stickiness of the snow. Very important for snowman making. How do you preserve the snow in fresh condition? You can't buy THAT at Freshfields® baby!
What about transport and release of the snow? You have to keep the snow cool and fresh. Plus you have to transport the snow to virtually any location. Now how you gonna do all that and provide the snow on the go and release it? How are you going to provide that snow nice cold and fresh . . . and when and exactly where you need it? You let it sit out in the open and it will melt or deform. You pack it the wrong way and it will compress. I tell you what you do, you get yerself one of these babies. Yesssirreee. THAT'S what ya gonna do.
Now let me stray here a bit and let me predict what you are going to say right here and now. I can see it coming. Oh well, the argument will go, you can take an ordinary bed mattress and roll it up. OK. So first off, that mattress will flatten out the snow like a pancake. Ever flop a mattress on your friend when you were kids? Getting hit with a bed mattress is like taking it in the head with a 5 ton rubber mallet. Next off, that mattress is made of nice soft material designed to keep heat in. In technical terms, it's thermally insulated. Put simply, you roll up snow in a bed mattress and you get one thing. A super sized slushie and a hypothermic night's rest. Bon nuit!
Dial a Mattress™ aside31, what you need to take into account is a host of other problems. In my earlier inventions I noted that snow type is important. New snow reacts differently than old. Slushy snow different than dry. Granular different than flake snow. Of course, unless you were a mountaineer, a snow researcher or Aleut, you probably would not know that. At any rate, how then do you keep the snow in ideal conditions so it does not morph?31 I loved these Pisans from LI, and the very humorous ads on Howard Stern back in the day. Howard you are even more awesome on satellite. Thank you for proving everyone wrong!
OK time for one more. Sunshine. Studio lights. Now again this is not so apparent as it might seem. YES. Sunshine and artificial light are warming. Not very good for snow. But did you know that light morphs snow? As SOD® said, bet ya didn't know. So now what? How are you going to get over ALL of that, plus keep your snow from morphing?
One more problem to set out. It's a little known fact that snowman making is assisted by a hard surface. During my experimentations, I realized that deformable surfaces make the process of forming a snow boulder more difficult. It appears to me that the snow under various snow types, such as dry snow, requires more sintering than fresh snow. Virgin snow. Therefore, having a soft surface like a bed mattress would not be conducive to snowman making for all snow conditions.
Yep, and just like I said about my original Snow Boulder, I bet ya didn't know there were so many problems with making a snow mattress. Look people. Many have remarked how easy it would be to construct these things. Let me tell you there is A LOT to be considered and taken into account. As discussed above, snow research is both complex and still yet not fully understood. Perhaps it is conformalism and mediocrity that stands in the way. Most people are satisfied just to have a 2 foot tall snow turd. But if you want to make the Ultimate Snowman, you better keep your eye on the ball . . . the Snow Ball!
All kidding aside, this stuff is complex and intricate. Are we good? Now on with the show.
Referring now to
Now in more detail, the snow mattress 100 is configured to being rolled in concentric fashion, or like a chocolate Yodel® if you prefer. In German you would refer to this as a Strueddel. What have you. Look you roll it up to take advantage of the power of the circle. Like a CD saves space in concentric form, so too the inventive snow mattress saves space by being curled up on itself. This also makes it easier to carry, ie, transport, since it is not as bulky or cumbersome and provides more centric or mass-centric places to heft the rolled up mattress.
In one aspect, the snow mattress includes a snow receiving surface 104. Preferably arranged on a sky facing side of the snow mattress. Snow falls from above. Just tell me if I am being too matter of fact here. Seriously folks, this is the way you have to talk to the patent office. Back at it. That said, in patent speak we never align a side with a physical direction and so here I have to make the obtuse disclaimer that the snow receiving surface can be on any side.
To continue there is further provided snow receiving portions 106 in one aspect of the invention. These are formed on or in the snow receiving surface. In one arrangement, the snow receiving portions are configured in a concave form to capture snow therein. These concave portions may be rounded or cup shaped, or have angled surfaces (
Further, there is provided extended portions 108 in the snow mattress. In one aspect, the extended portion are adjacent the snow receiving portions. The extended portions are arranged to extend distally from a surface of the snow receiving surface such that when the snow mattress is rolled, the extended portions deform or are directed toward and engage another or adjacent extended portions or an area between the extended portion and a receiving portion, such as an abutment there between. When the extended portions and snow receiving portions are configured in this manner, they form a closed area 110 with the snow receiving portion and snow is captured therein.
It shall be appreciate that the spacing between receiving portions should be minimized as practical. This is in order to maximize the amount of snow that is capturable by the snow mattress. In this regard, it is disclosed that an extended portion with a profile having an edge would advantageously maximize the receiving portion opening. Also, and as further explained the extended portions in one aspect are retractable. In that regard, the area between receiving portions where the extended portions are retracted should be minimized in order to prevent blank spots in the snow mattress when the snow is released.
The extended portions may be shaped specifically to provide certain advantageous features. In one arrangement, the extended portions are narrowed at one end 112 which are received by an abutment or female portion 114 ;-) or a flat surface 116 of another extended portion. In arrangements including the flat portion the narrowed region deforms in order to close off the closed area through pressure between the extended portion and an adjacent extended portion. In arrangements including an abutment the narrowed area locks therein and tends to stay in place. Further the abutment may be the same shape as that of the narrow portion.
The extended portions as mentioned may have a certain profile. In the third dimension the extended portions may form ridges with opening areas between forming trenches as shown in the
On the other hand, the trenches are advantageous to provide environment control of the snow capturing areas as trenches provide a common chamber for the snow. In one aspect, a compromise between a common chamber and a matrix is included, wherein one or more dividers are spaced in a trench. These dividers may be perforated to allow environmental control without allowing the snow to substantially shift within the snow mattress.
It was already discussed that the extended portions may have an edge or may also have a flat or concave portion. The Edge may be arranged to meet the flat or concave portion of another extended portion when the snow mattress is rolled. In another aspect, the flat or concave portion is arranged as a U shaped portion, such that when the Edge meets the U shaped portion the two are arranged to interlock. U2.32 32 I saw Bono up close once in the Tea Room at the Savoy in London. It was awesome. My wife did not believe me until he walked straight by. The night before we saw the ATYCLB tour at Earl's Court. They are so awesome. Now here is a man and band that are outright saving the world. Thank you for your efforts!
To continue the segway, the extended portions may have a profile in the shape of a rectangle, with one edge of the rectangle forming The Edge side. They may also be trapezoidal. In this regard The Edge minimizes the surface area between the receiving portions and maximizes the open area for receiving snow. The Edge is therefore at the max of coolness.
It was discussed that the snow mattress should not compress the snow to a substantial degree. In a further aspect, the extended portions are configured such that when engaged with the adjacent extended portion the extended portions maintain the closed area without compressing the closed area in the snow receiving portion more than 50%. In a further aspect, the compression is limited to 10% or less. In one arrangement, the extended portions and/or receiving portions are made of a hard deform-resistant material such as hard rubber to maintain the structure of the closed area when the snow mattress is rolled. Some parts of the extended portions, for example the base of the extended portions, are deformable in order to allow the extended portions to bend as the snow mattress is rolled.
In operation, the inventive snow mattress lays out in the field, like a child lying in snow making a snow angel . . . waiting for the snowflakes to come drifting down upon her face. The snow is received by the snow receiving portions and gently collected therein
It was also discussed that the snow mattress is configured to be rolled. This includes using an appropriate material used that allows rolling, ie, flexible materials. These materials may be the blow up pool plastic variety type. Alternatively or in addition to, there may also be segmentations or serrations in the snow mattress that make the rolling of the now mattress easier. One has to keep in mind that there is a lot of snow inside this thing and it may not be easy to roll. Having segmented portions, with intervening hard portions should make the rolling up of a couple thousand pounds of snow a bit more bearable.
To further assist the rolling aspect, there may be provided in or on the snow mattress wedged shaped openings 118 on the opposite surface to the snow receiving surface. These wedge shaped openings provide a hinge in the snow mattress between the extended portions and the now receiving portions. Of course, a mechanical hinge would also be possible. As the snow mattress is rolled, these wedge shaped openings give, allowing a corresponding section including a receiving portion and an edge to together for a segment that is rotated about the hinge and engage another segment. Kachunk!
It was also considered by this inventor that the snow mattress when rolled engages the bottom surface to the top surface. What goes around comes around. Snow Kismet. (500
In addition, the bottom extended portions, when configured to have an Edge are advantageous to grip snow as the mattress sits on a field or slope. It shall be appreciated that snow fields are not all nice and planar, and that such an edged or treaded bottom is advantageous. Ya gotta be kiddin me. Patent attorneys think like this? Ohhhh yeah. Horrible isn't it?
As mentioned the extended portions may be retractable. In one aspect, the extended portions are formed by or partially by an inflatable material that engorges like a deviant blow-up doll when a fluid gas is pumped into it. The extended portions may include hard portions that retain it shape (600a and b
It shall be appreciated that the snow mattress in its rolled up state is more easily transportable. As recognized above, a wound up body is less cumbersome and more easily handled than a flat giant pancake. In another aspect, there is provided handles on the lateral sides of the mattress. In addition, there is a roll bar (700
Anyway, once the snow mattress is rolled, the roll bar sits neatly in the center of this giant snow sheesh-kebab, which can then be merrily toted about by happy snow going revelers. Like maniacal snow elves, they can carry the snow kebab from either end for storage, for example, in a refrigerated 18 wheeler, or to the top of the Kilauea volcano like a sacrificial offering to the goddess Pele for that matter. If you ask me, a suitable treat worthy of the gods. Otherwise the roll bar is suitable for hanging on receiving racks or hooks, like a roast wild board skewed clean by a spear.
All right. Let's talk cool. We need to maintain the temperature of the snow at snow conditions. This adds to its freshness. In one aspect this is provided by choice of material. We want to insulate, yes. But we also want to transfer coolness to the area where the snow is captured. In one aspect, there is provided a unidirectional thermal material. A wha? Break it down. Coolness (or rather thermal energy) travels away from the snow in such a material. Think of it like a heat sink. Hence coolness travels in the opposite direction, neh? Put another way, we transfer coolness to the receiving portions or closed areas where the snow is trapped.
In another aspect coolness is transferred to the snow receiving and capturing area the old fashioned way. We freeze it. In this regard, a cooling device (800
In one arrangement, the cooling device is a liquid chemical heat exchanger. Fluidics. This may be of the variety found in ice boxes. In one aspect, the reuse of old ice boxes such as those used in college and thrown away is a Green energy savings program. However, the channels, baffles or tubing through which the coolant travels, or at least a part thereof, is flexible in order to allow the snow mattress to be rolled.
The coolant may be Freon®, liquid nitrogen, or LOX or any other liquid coolant. Freon® being the most abundant in the junkyard, makes Freon® a good choice. Liquid nitrogen would be awesome, but you would have problems freezing the entire mattress or if there is a leakage you might wind up have a frozen leg or arm. Then you would have to shatter your arm off like that cool scene in that sci-fi TV series “V”. LOX would also work, but as NASA is well aware is highly combustible. I know a lot of people would love to see me electrocute myself or blow myself up making a Snowman. I love you too. LOL.
OK Back to binness. The cooling of a snow mattress may include a compressor, either separate or integrated therein. In one aspect, to save weight, the compressor is separate from the snow mattress, ie, outside, and attached by way of a connecting inlet, pressurized valve or the like. In this last arrangement, the compressor and snow mattress sit keeping the snow cool while it awaits usage. In this regard, the snow mattress delivers snow where and when it is needed.
In operation the coolant flows through the snow mattress, either freely or through channels and performs an endothermic temperature exchange with adjacent portions of the snow mattress, particularly the snow receiving surface, and more particularly the areas where the snow is captured. The coolant then returns to the condenser which recompresses and thus cools the coolant, thereby completing the loop of thermal exchange. Dig?
In a further aspect, the snow mattress includes a controller, processor, logic or computer 804 that controls the temperatures of one or a plurality of areas of the snow mattress. There is also provided a sensor or sensors 806 that senses temperature or light, or any other snow morphing parameter. In response, thereto, the controller makes adjustments in the control of the cooling device to raise, lower or keep constant the temperature of the snow mattress. Trust me folks, this kind of dry writing is necessary for patents. Although best mode may not be an issue, sufficient support for claim language verbage is, also for worldwide applications.
The control system is coupled to a feedback loop in another aspect in order to provide a control system that monitors and updates the temperature and other environmental settings. As discussed below, these may include not only temperature but also light, humidity, air pressure, and any parameter that has an effect on snow quality and form. Humidity, for example, relates to the moistness of the snow and assists in snow sinterability. Air pressure effects snow as well, for example, can affect the evaporation of snow from water. It can also create a powdery snow known as mushrooming in the Andes mountains. Just ask Joe Simpson and Simon Yates.
It was already mentioned that the cooling device is arranged at least partially in the snow mattress. It is disclosed here that portions of the cooling device or channels connected thereto are arranged inside the extended portions in order to bring more coolity to the snow receiving areas. It shall be appreciated that portions of the cooling device are flexible in order to provide rolling. At least as between segments of the snow mattress, the cooling device is flexible. For that matter, the minimal flexible areas, ie, material of the snow mattress, may be between the segments.
Like the arrows of a chaos symbol, it's time to shift into another direction. Sunscreen protection. Ya know I never knew that Jodie Foster was the Coppertone girl. I remember vividly the giant billboards on the side of the highway featuring a grinning dog with a snout full of Jodie's bikini Today those billboards would be considered as borderline child porn. Which I find gross and detest by the way. But it's interesting how times have changed.
At any rate, we need sunscreen of a different sort. It would not do to have Frosty35 basted in Coppertone 100®, for example. Perhaps it would help keep Frosty from melting. But it just doesn't feel good on the hands when working snow. As mentioned, UV light may morph snow. We want the snow we are going to use to make the snow being to be protected. Thus, it provided in one aspect a screen that lays over the snow mattress while the snow sits pacified in the receiving portion like a Buddhist cow awaiting final delivery to its ultimate destination, the ultimate snowman. Cool snow. 35 Frosty is not registered as a TM. This is probably because it is descriptive.
In another aspect, the sunscreen may be rolled up in the roll bar when retracted in order to provide a convenient storage place for the sunscreen when not in use. In another aspect, the sunscreen is a polarized film. In another it's an opaque sheet of material. In yet another, the sunscreen is made up of that one way stuff we used to stick to our windshields in the 80's to be cool but was actually really cheesy. Call me an 80's/90's guy. Call me Ishmael. I liked the Old Yankee Stadium better too. Thanks 98 Yankees! ®
Now turning to the transportability of the snow mattress, rolling assistance has also been considered. With enough snow, it would probably take a couple of elephants to roll up the snow mattress with their tusks. With that in mind, I provide here ways in which to roll up this snowmattress of a mastodon into a giant twinky, complete with snow filled center. In one arrangement there is provided eyelets, rings or hooks 808 that are coupled to each segment. These eyelets are arranged, for example, on each segment and coupled to a firm portion thereof, such as a hard surface engaging the floor. There is further provided a cog or gear system, or train of gears 810, that is adapted in size and distanced to meet each of the eyelets. A crank handle may be coupled to the cog or gears may be cranked in order to engage the teeth of the cog or gears with the eyelets. There also may be provided a motor for turning the crank or crank shaft.
As the cog or gears are turned, the teeth thereof engage the eyelets. As each eyelet is engaged, the cog brings with it the snow mattress segment. And so the snow mattress is rolled around the cog. Furthermore, the crank may be detachable from the cog or gears to provide easy transport of the snow mattress without outwardly extending bars to whack the unsuspecting in the jaw.
It was also considered that the snow may fall out of one side if the snow mattress is lifted and transported. In that case, side walls are provided in sufficient length to seal the sides of the snow mattress as the same is rolled to prevent snow from falling out. Plastic ends may also be used, but then the whole thing would look like a giant Tootsie Roll®. Also the snow might also just collect in the plastic ends like snow filled Heft Cinch Sacks®.
In another aspect of the invention, certain dimensions were considered appropriate for the snow mattress. Mostly this is to head off the anticipated rejection of a pleated bed mattress. As already indicated, the bed mattress would compress the snow flat. Further, there may be provided that the closed areas form 10 cm or wider openings. The snow mattress may be about 10×10 meters should be sufficient to hold enough snow (or of equivalent area). In combination with my previous inventions, it shall be appreciated that less snow is needed to make a snowman. Hence the snow mattress may be smaller, such as 5×5 meters. In another aspect, the snow mattress is designed to hold a volume of snow sufficient to create a snow person of average person height. This may be about 100 cubic liters of snow.
Material was also discussed. It should be pointed out that the flexible portions may be made of inflatable plastic. The other portions that make up the segments may include hard surfaces. It will be appreciated that snowman making is assisted by rolling the snow boulder on a sturdy surface. To that end, the segments mad of a hard material would assist in that regard. The flexible portions may also allow the snow mattress to be inflated with a gas lighter than area to fill up the interior spaces of the snow mattress. The gas would also exert pressure and extend retractable extended portions.
In one aspect, the selected gas is helium. In another the selected gas is hydrogen. It shall be appreciated immediately that the helium or hydrogen will provide a lifting effect and reduce the gravitational weight of the snow mattress laden with snow making it easier to carry. Of course, Hydrogen would be suitable in this manner but as we all know from Mr. Hindenburg, we could wind up with an exploding snowman on TV. Some of you I know would like to see that.
The gas may also be laughing gas. So when the snow mattress is delivered to location and ready to deliver snow on command, the snow mattress and extended portions are deflated to provide a flat snowman making surface. As the laughing gas is released the audience is pre-treated with a chronic case of the giggles. I was considering adding a bit about Smilex gas for my friend Bruno, but decided it was too macabre for this context.
It shall also be appreciated that the invention encompasses a method for rolling snow up into a snow mattress. Method Snowman. Anyway, the method comprises rolling up snow in a snow mattress as described above, wherein the snow mattress includes receiving portions for receiving the snow that retain their shape as described above, which may be assisted by the extended portions, and then unrolling in any location the snow mattress to provide the snow for instantaneous fun.
So that's it. I hoped you enjoyed this little ditty. I know I will stir up a sht storm of fury over this one. But I remain positive. With luck, it has made you smile a bit, and even more hopefully has forced a tear of laughter in your eye. This is really something I would really like to give to the world with my patents and inventions. The gift of laughter. Either through building Ultimate Snow beings, or blowing their heads' off. It's all good. Just remember these are snow people and not real people. Have fun out there.36 36 Warning. For your protection blowing up snowmen or blowing their head off is a dangerous activity and should not be performed or reproduced in any form at home.
In conclusion, I presented here my latest invention for my line of Ultimate Snow creatures. You could call it a sequel. But it's a sequel that is better than the original. Why? Because in the original I held back. I thought it was PC to write a description that was serious. The Intro was the only really whacky part. Turned out no one actually read the main patent except a few friends and at least some bright people that wrote in. But here, I let it rip. And I wasn't over trying. This is me. More crazier than ever. The difference is that this whole Ultimate Snowman experience has set me free . . . to be me. The real me. I am very grateful for that. And for the fact that I found my calling. Goodbye and thanks for all the fish.™
PEACE OUT. 37 37 Trademark & Copyright Disclaimer: As you have probably noted, I bothered to apply the Registered Trademark symbol wherever I thought there was a registered mark. This is in honor and respect of those Trademarks. It is also fully allowed to cite marks in a patent so long as you do so. For those marks I may have missed I apologize and will correct if contacted. On Copyrights, I went out of my way not to outright plagiarize or rip off pictures or content. I was sorely tempted to slap in a couple of picture of Bugs Bunny. However, I resisted temptation realizing it would not be correct to do so. The references made herein I believe to be a Fair Use Commentary of any references which may be considered copyrighted. If anyone has a problem with any remaining material, please contact me and I will remove it and republish this application. In my defense, I also would like to point out that I have been a faithful fan of all of the persons herein both fictional and non. If anyone has a serious problem with me making reference to them, which is not a copyright violation in itself, it is because I spent mindless hours watching and listening to your programs and music, albeit with much enjoyment. Thank you.
This application claims priority from U.S. Ser. No. 13/665,846 filed 2011 Oct. 31, U.S. Ser. No. 61/576,336 filed 2011 Dec. 15, and U.S. Ser. No. 61/580,244 filed 2011 Dec. 25.
| Number | Date | Country | |
|---|---|---|---|
| 61576336 | Dec 2011 | US | |
| 61580244 | Dec 2011 | US |
| Number | Date | Country | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Parent | 13665846 | Oct 2012 | US |
| Child | 13684557 | US |
